We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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