Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
i already hear my dad disowning me
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Sorry my hands just texted you
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
