I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
porn star boner night. come get it.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
