My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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