I wish I could punch you in the face.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Randomize
