I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
