I just threw up on my dentist
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize