dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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