i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
