If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
