My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Randomize