I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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