ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
