I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Randomize
