youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
