How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
