I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
That's intense
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize