He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize