At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
