I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
