That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
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