The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
