Plan B is the new Plan A
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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