If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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