I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Randomize
