allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
