mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize