At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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