If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I looked at my own cervix.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
