I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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