tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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