I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
