Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Randomize
