I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
