i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
