im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
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