I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
