At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
nutella sex= disaster
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
