I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Randomize
