I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
