yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
And then my night got REAL pukey
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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