I think I won the penis lottery.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Randomize
