i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
