If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
