you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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