I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
