Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
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