If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
