an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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