I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize
