he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
