Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
