The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
I could have mohawked her pubes.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Randomize
