I need to stop coming to work sober
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Randomize
