having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
