Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
