We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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